I don't feel like crying anymore. Why should I have to feel like 2nd place, when I can be somebody else 1st. When I give you my heart, do you really cherish it? This situation in particular has become the most over weighed luggage that I could possibly carry. All I cant think to myself is that it, its really been 4 years that I have carried luggage around with me and still haven't Let It Go as Keyshia Cole stated. I'm just tired of crying and hurting not only myself but people around me. Why am I NOT WORTHY of his heart? I wish my eyes would've opened up fully and realized that I am WORTHY. I was so young...and some may say "in love". But is that what love is really about? I would jump as high as any mountain reached for him, and I did everything "out of love" for him, because I knew that one I would be WORTHY of his HEART. He became more than a friend to me and I loved every moment spent with him, from the road trips, our little breakfast, lunch && dinner outings. This is the person who I could spill my life out to and no worry about anything, because I knew that my heart was so hidden into him, that I can TRUST him. When I look at everything that has happened, I'm starting to think WHY???? Why Brittany were you so dumb...so stupid. Leave that boy alone...he does not want you or except what's in between your legs. Leave him alone and go find you somebody else....somebody else? So now I am looking for a replacement, is that how the world works now? Whenever somebody is not satisfying your needs, you look for somebody else to "replace those needs" So I did go looking and ran into people who I couldn't even open my heart up to, because it already belonged to somebody else. Nights passed and emotionally I was not happy unless he was by my side. But why do I need HIM in particular to be by my side....I have all the replacements but their WORTH does not amount to what he brings to me. Years have flown by so fast that I am approaching my final year of college. Do I still want that feeling of "am i worthy enough"? As a young woman, I cannot allow myself to continue this cycle anymore. I need to the space to grow mentality, physically and spiritually. I found somebody but he is not a replacement for HIM, this man is always here for me and has been. He allowed my heart to hurt so badly that my eyes would open up. All this pain is inevitable, but it was necessary for me to endure. I could sit down and explain the whole novel, but there is no need for it. He has taught me a lesson that will prepare me. One thing I learned was that its a reason why he says wait till you get married until you have sex. The bond that is created between man & woman is deep, and its not meant to be shared. I have shared a piece of myself with him and there is no way I can take it back. What is done, is done. But now I know. I pray for him and have a different kind of love. It is no longer the love where I would break my neck for you, but the love of "leaving everything in his hands, he will take care of it". I knew that it was time to me to GROW. I will never grow into the woman God wants me to be, if I keep dragging this luggage around. Vivian Green said "Maybe I am foolishly in love with, Someone that is, Not exactly on the same page, Maybe this isn't love, but if it isn't love then really what is love. Maybe I don't need to know whats really love, Cause when he's around he's got me feeling some kinda way" I am loving life and everything around me. I guess the biggest blessing that I have gotten is letting go of something that is not necessarily good for you. So now what. Thoughts are wondering throughout my mind am I "good enough" for somebody else...
